I’ve got mail!

You know, there are a few people in the world who are very thoughtful about the less fortunate, and these noble men and women send out mail after mail offering us great things – great deals, discounts and more! They are more popularly known as spammers.
Here are a few samples of what I get from these thoughtful angels:
1. Some want to give me money – I can supposedly get excellent returns for my cash by just giving them a small amount of it up front (and by the way, I am just dying to give away my cash to some nameless people I don’t know at all, you know – just don’t tell anyone!)
2. Some want to give me educational degrees without me writing exams or attending classes – here’s the exact mail:
“Lazy to attend exam or classes?We have Diplomas, Degrees, Masters’ or Doctrateto choose from any feild of you’re intrest.Only 2 weeks require to delivers the prestigous non-accrediteduniversities paper to your doorstep.Do not hesitate to give us call today!1-206-203-1872”
Ah, the very spelling and punctuation has won me over. I simply can’t wait to give him a call!! I mean, a degree from such a person would be so useful, right?
3. Then there’re sites like astrology.com saying I will either have a windfall that day (I usually think of the auto guy having fleeced me in the morning) or that I have a special time with my partner (I regret to say I’ve always been single), sigh, and wonder if they have some kind of “opposites” service.
4. And I should not forget the amazing mails that say Bill Gates was giving away his wealth, and that forwarding some stupid mail will give them wealth beyond their imagination! Man, I wish my life was that easy… To give us a small raise, they think a million times, so I can totally believe that Bill Gates is out to give a thousand or a million dollars to people he doesn’t even know for forwarding mails – I mean, rich people are supposed to be eccentric, right? No, not crazy – you’re supposed to use the term eccentric if the person is rich or famous, crazy is only if they’re neither.
(P.S: I am not referring to charity here – that’s different. They’re people who probably need it and they don’t bulk-forward mails to get charitable donations.)
5. Some guys are giving me amazing discounts on various things that I don’t even want, and they say it is a one-time only offer – yeah, yeah, that’s great, blah blah… Why don’t you send these to people who want those pathetic discounts on some sad products? (95% off on a toe-massager? What, is the product totally broken, or did your boss declare that a toe-massager is a pathetic idea and ask you to get rid of them for whatever you could get? Or did you multiply the cost by 20 or more and then say you’re providing that much of a discount? And who would want a toe-massager anyway?)
6. And how can I forget some unknown men and women who are so concerned about giving me their original expensive and high end cars, watches and yachts at a very low price? (They call them very low prices, but the prices still seem outrageously high to me!)
7. And I needn’t talk about the ones who take an interest in my sexual well being – they seem to forget that just because they have a problem, it doesn’t mean everyone else on earth does!
8. Last, but not the least, and definitely the saddest, are your very own friends. No I am not joking, and they are of three categories. Sadly, I’ve had to create a filter for a couple of my friends who fell under all three categories, and my mailbox would get flooded with their mails. Anyway, here are the three categories:
a) First, there are the ones who send mails that say “Pass it on to 10 billion people 10 minutes before you read this, or you will be forced to listen to Thayu singing for eternity”… I mean, imagine the poor bloke who gets such a mail! First off, as far as he knows, there are only 6 billion people in the world, out of which probably less than half know what a computer is, and of those, only half will have an e-mail id. And he should have done it ten minutes before he read that line! I can just visualize that guy inventing the time machine and going back in time just to forward this… And this mail had a twist at the end – it told you what torture you would have (though the person would’ve been arrested by the human rights comission for having threatened to do something as heartless as making someone listen to my singing). Other mails usually say “bad luck will follow you for 10 centuries” or something equally vague of the sort, leaving it up to the person’s imagination. Here, my singing will not scare the people who haven’t heard me sing before this, and considering people usually lose their sanity a short while after hearing me sing, chances are that the person reading it doesn’t know enough about my singing to be scared (actually, considering how crazy most web users are, they probably would be less insane if they had lost sanity hearing me sing). And what is saddest of all is that I have friends who are superstitious and scared enough to forward such mails to me. Though it is good in some ways (in that I get to know who is like that so that I can fool them later), it is quite saddening to see that I have such people for friends and have done nothing to them.
b) This is the “emotional blackmail” category. These are the people who say “send it to everyone who means a lot to you” or “for each person you send it to, someone will magically give me 10 cents” or something of the sort. Saddest of all are the people who say “Dude, you’re heartless! What’s it going to cost you to forward this?” as an attempt to justify their having forwarded such a mail. I may or may not be heartless, but I’m definitely not brainless, and I definitely don’t like being used/exploited in any way. And I know what “virus-writer”, a hypothetical person would do too. He would probably start off a mail saying “Please forward this mail to all the people you care about and think you are nice. Remember, someone cared about you and thought you were nice, so why don’t you reciprocate and forward this?”. He’d put some stupid quotes or pictures or whatever, so that the person doesn’t mind forwarding it. And then of course would come more mails like this. And then, once the internet population is used to such mails, he’d send another mail just like this, but with malicious content attached. By now I guess people will be so used to forwarding such mails, I’ll bet they’d do it even without him using the usual threat or begging or cajoling.
c) And then there are those who believe that pressing “Alt-F4” after forwarding a mail will make a magical pop-up appear that won’t appear any other way. Get real! Know your keyboard shortcuts! And in case you’re a Windows user who doesn’t know that “Alt-F4” closes a window, you probably should stop and think a little, and maybe use the internet – it takes just moments to search on Live or Yahoo! or Google or whichever search-engine you prefer. And of course, don’t forget about tormenting the person who sent you such a mail in the first place. If it is not a good friend, you could call them stupid and laugh at their lack of knowledge and show off a little in the process (if you’re doing this, make sure the person isn’t someone who will and can get back at you – that would be ugly). If it is a good friend who has done this, make sure you enlighten them and tell them what you know/have found out, so that they are saved from embarassing situations when others point this out to them.

But wait, ignore my advice. I am wondering what will happen if I tell people:
“Forward this mail to hundred people and then format your hard disk without taking a backup of any of your data – if you have confidential info, please pass it on to @.com first, so that this data can be kept safe. You will receive $1,000,000,000 in your next life if you are born with some brains at least then. Please forward this as it will also help a few kids survive and it shows that you thought of the person you forward it to. Remember, someone thought of you and that’s how you got this mail in the first place!”
I will add a few more zeros after the 1 to appeal to people’s greed. I guess I will have to find a provider who gives unlimited storage like rediffmail, coz I’m sure I’ll get some hundreds of GB of confidential data which these people expect back. I will have to hire a staff of a few thousand to read the mail and tell me what info found there can be used so that I can make the billion dollars I was talking about. But then, the confidential information that such “clever” and “intelligent” geniuses would have can hardly be of any use, so I would probably end up losing money. But what a phenomenon it would be! I can just imagine the masses doing exactly as the mail says. And I can imagine the support guys of various computer organizations frantically trying to accept all customer calls that say “Hey, I lost all my data! What am I to do? How can I get my information back from @.com?” But no, wait, I am wrong. You probably will have very few such calls, since if the masses were ready to follow the instructions of the e-mail, they’d probably sit still and act as though nothing had happened. They probably would think that nothing had happened. I can just visualize someone saying “Hey! I did what the mail said, but nothing at all has happened! I bet it was just another fake mail – what a stupid hoax…” =)


One response to this post.

  1. ROFL !! 😀


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